My nipple is on Facebook.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
