My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There's always time for handjobs
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
