did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
