If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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