I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
