What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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