god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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