dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
