I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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