i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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