so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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