he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
