Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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