Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
