a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
