i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize