Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
