When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
