my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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