dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
