Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize