You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
