I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
