i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
