Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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