He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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