Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
