He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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