when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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