so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize