my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
