Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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