I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize