I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
