A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize