I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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