I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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