i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
