I wish I could teleport
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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