so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
