Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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