Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
