I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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