i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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