So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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