My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
