Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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