If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
birth control should be required to get into college
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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