i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
