i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
