It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
