I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
