She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We don't watch enough power rangers
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
