you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
