textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
