I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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