btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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