im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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