and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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