I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
